It’s so easy to spot a bad choice when it’s not about you. It’s so hard if it is. We create our future by the choices we make and sometimes we do it wisely and sometimes not. How many different lives we could have only if we decide minor changes. What if you took one more month to end your old relationship and you missed the opportunity to meet the person you are with now for the rest of your life? What if you decided not to go by bus on that day and got into a traffic accident with your car where someone got badly hurt? All we can do is try to make the best choices and hope for the best but nobody can predict which choice will be the best one. It’s weird that reading to what i’m writing now you may think choice is a bad thing but it’s the opposite. Probably is the gift we received from god to be able to find freedom and happiness. It’s not because it’s a gift and a great one that it should be easy. Making choices sometimes can be really difficult. Probably the bitter task we have as humans. It’s the price for free will and for the nature of being human. Still after all this time making choices how do we make so many wrong ones? Shouldn’t we be more professional on this matter? Maybe we should do it with the brain or maybe we should do it with the heart. The fact is that even recognizing where the choice came from is hard enough.
I work a lot. No surprise because everyone works a lot. I make money but i spend money. As my father says: “from the hand to the mouth” . No savings yet. No big plans. Maybe some spare money and surely the apartment i live in but nothing else in case i ever need it. I’m forty and the main reason i’m like this is because i never felt the need to save money. I don’t have kids and i hate banks. So i spend. Yesterday i received a call about a friend. An old friend. The first guy who ever gave me work in the field i work now. Advertising. The call communicated his death and it shocked me. Not because it was not expected. He was seventy eight years old. The shock was because i still hoped for him to have a happy ending. He was the father of four kids and he had them already older as it will happen eventually to me. It always bothered me that he didn’t have any spare money. I asked in several situations why he didn’t stopped working since he got a heart condition and he told me he couldn’t afford it. I was probably hoping for his kids to get rich and help him or something but i guess that never happened. At least in time. So he died working. He worked till death. I guess i should think about saving. I guess sometimes things can get not as good as you expected. I guess not everything is the way it’s supposed to be so i’ll save it for a rainy day and be sorrow for today.
I don’t know if any of you ever started paying close attention to your breathing. People that meditates usually pays a little bit. People with nasal problems also. The fact is: For some people is impossible to pay attention on your own breathing without thinking about life. That’s mainly because if you stop you die. I’m not sure what is the relation between this and Panic Sindrome but when someone is about to have Panic attacks they feel shorten on breath. Always. Panic attacks are chemically related and treated with drugs as Xanax and Prozac. So is Panic really fear? Some kind of psicosomatic manifestation of it ? Some people have the need to be around air conditioners or fresh air. As low blood pressure people uses to faint when the air is heavy and latins use to look for sex, people with Panic Sindrome fears. It’s not conscient fear but it’s present enough to shorten your breath and make your blood pressure go really high. But what does it mean? What is there to be afraid of? To die? If so didn’t we realized yet we will die eventually? That’s twisted and very annoying because “mind over matter” is not rocket science. Mostly it works miracles but sometimes not. I wonder if my mind has some clue about the function of my lungs. Maybe the mind worries because it know that if breathing stop then everything stops. To make this even more precise there are two very common symptoms in Panic Attacks. Shorten of breath and chest pain. To me it looks like the brain knows these are the two things our body can’t live without. Lungs and heart. That said i can only conclude that being afraid of death is not something only happening in our mind. Every part of our body wants to live. So why just not live? Why bother? We are so worried in planning the future and controlling the routes that leads to our future that we take less care about the present. But life happens in the present. The future is not life. It’s just possibilities. The past is not life either. It’s gone. The only thing we have is the actual present and this one gotta be the main concern. Not tomorrow, not next week, not net year. I know it’s hard. We are planners. We need to program everything in our lives to feel we control it. But to live in the future is not to live since life is only a thing that happens in the present. So inhale, exhale, keep doing it and don’t stop but take you mind of it cause your body already the subject worrying about it. Use your mind to live the moment…
(re post from 20.12.2010)