Archives for posts with tag: die

Amazingly i’m doing ok in my quest for health. I lost 25 pounds already in this first 35 days. I still have a long way so i gotta feel determined to go on since the fear of health issues that made me start this diet so well already faded. I feel really good eating less and doing 45 mins od stationary bike everyday. Sometimes there’s a huge crave but it goes away. The changes in routine are the most scary thing now. I’m 100 percent then i go to a dinner in a client’s house. The food is all full of calories so i gotta eat less than usual. I get home starving and i try to remember: One day at a time. It will pass and tomorrow everything starts again. It makes one wonder how crazy is our relation with the fuel we need to survive. As i read in history men have starved for millions of years. Before the last 5 thousand years men were not very good in finding and keeping food so men starved and died of hunger. Probably that’s why we feel so helpless when we have to avoid food. It’s going against an old instinct forged in our DNA to keep us alive . Yes… It’s hard to go against your own nature. But not impossible. Of course the very developed food industry now creates the inverse situation. Food is too easy to find even when we don’t want to so we lost the measure of how much is healthy to consume. I hope some day there will be signs in Big Macs like those signs the put on cigarette boxes. ” Surgeon general warning: This burger may destroy your heart and may give you colon cancer” or ” Surgeon general warning: this milkshake can make you forget the name of your wife” or even ”  Surgeon general warning: This chocolate may complicate your diabetes and make you loose your legs”

This is the biggest cliche after you get back from the doctor. It’s a kinda regular routine. The doctor tells you “if you don’t stop smoking you will die!” and you get back home willing to change everything in your life. You start exercizing and dieting. Everything is easy because you feel so strong-minded. After a week something happens and all that will fades. It’s like your health is not really important and living with no pleasures is no life at all. I did that a couple times so i know how it goes. This time it was a little different. This time the danger is more concrete. Either i do loose weight and start exercizing or i don’t have much more than five years. As i’m 41 now i really think i’m too young to leave like that. I still have a lot to do and i don’t think five years is enough so i’ll have to do as i was told. Now that’s a tricky thing. How will i be able to do something i was never able before? I was fat my entire life and diet after diet my strengh to push forward vanished a long time ago. Ok. To learn you have no other way out should be enough. I guess and i really hope so but i’m really afraid of what can happen if i’m not able to go all the way and more importantly stay there. To loose weight is one thing but to stay thin is another much more difficult. So you guys know i’m 260 pounds now. I need to get below 180 fast and keep it that way for as long as i live. All i can tell now is that i feel strong and is going easy. But it’s been only three days and i don’t know what’s gonna happen in two months. In a year. I just hope for my own sake that i can do it.

Do you guys ever felt a little afraid of going to sleep?? I think i do but not in a racional sense. Deep in my mind. These days i’m sleeping pretty well but that’s because of Xanax and some meditation just before bed. I really sleep well now but during most of my life i didn’t. I really didn’t. I’m talking about almost 40 years of going to sleep at four in the morning. I always felt great about it firstly because i love to live at night. Alone with not phone and emails or other kinds of distraction it’s the time of the day that i can produce better especially when creativity is needed. Secondly because i’m always feeling like i’m loosing something that is happening and i can sleep al lot after i pass away. But sometimes in notice just a tiny note behind all this ideas that says i don’t want to go to sleep and i’m afraid of it. Like if i fall in sleep i may not wake up again. I know it’s a kinda crazy idea because i already slept and woken up thousands of times in my entire life and i never died but still there’s something weird there. Maybe is chemical and maybe it’s psychological i really don’t know. What i know is we don’t control our dreams and we don’t remember many of them. Maybe there’s something about them. Maybe we have real problems in being alone and we can only dream alone. I’m not sure why but something took off my sleep since i was i little child. My father used to find me at three in the morning sitting on the top of the wall in the house we used to live. I was just looking at the few cars that would pass by. I was just trying not to sleep.