Archives for posts with tag: xanax

Yesterday i had one of the most strange days. It started of sunday with a big allergic reaction. I had really weird spots on my arms and knees. The doctor told me to use two drugs. One was a steroid and the other Benadryl. I know that Benadryl makes me really sleepy but i kinda forgot about it. Also the doctor never mentioned i couldn’t take it with the Xanax i take every night before sleep. I woke up and went to work. I was really late because i had i terrible time trying to wake up. So far i didn’t make any connection with the drugs. I had to go far from my office in a meeting first thing in the morning. Something like 20 milles. In the middle of the way i learned i was totally sedated. Like if i was drunk thinking really slowly. I got what happened and i freaked out. Not a good idea to freak out when you are sedated. After 20 milles of nightmare i arrived at the place and i was in need of at least a couple gallons of water. That’s another side effect i afterworlds learned from the drug label. You can get really dry mouth. Awesome. I didn’t know that. Why i was totally drunk and thirsty talking to a contractor under a really hot sun??? I go back to the office but before i blow my diet for the first time in two and a half months because i had the munchies. I got a couple granola bars and i really large cheese bread and i coke. So silly! When i’m on my way i receive the last call i would like to receive in a situation like that A Conference call! I was about a work and there was a dispute. It would be my duty in this case to solve the dispute in a really political way and make things right. Wow!!! It never happened. I just talked rubbish but i confused everyone so much i was able to fix it afterwords when o got “sober”. That was more of less six hours and 3 thousand calories later. I called the doctor and he  laughed of my story. He said he never understood i was on Xanax. Thanks god i was able to fix everything “almost” and no harm was done. I got home and i thought: How do junkies and drunks get by in life for such a long time??

I learned with a chinese master in the subject. You breathe in imagining you are part of the air. Logically i mean. There’s nothing mistic about chinese meditation. Unlike people in Tibet and India that relates it with religion people in China uses meditation as a medicine. So again you breathe and imagine you are the air that gets in your nose and you imagine the path the air takes to the botton of the belly. So you imagine this circuit. Nose to belly and belly to nose. But you also have to count. So it goes like this: breathe in, breathe out count 1,  breathe in, breathe out count 2,  breathe in, breathe out count 3 and so on until you get to 10. Then you start again. You do it during 20 mins. You also should be sitting of the floor with your legs crossed in the known lotus position. If the floor is cold you can sit of a rug of anything actually. Then you can use a pillow to sit on. Your eyes have to be half open otherwise you can get sleepy and you mouth half opened. The eyes should be faced towards a white wall or something very neutral and there should be no noise or at least the least amount of it. Why do i do it? It’s the only thing that calms me besides Xanax. It’s the only way i get to sleep. If you do it right it’s a trip bigger than any LSD can give you. The idea behind it is to quiet your mind. By doing this routine you don’t have to think about not thinking which is impossible. You just change all your thoughts to just the way the air makes in your body and the counting from one to ten. It doesn’t seam much so it’s kinda annoying when you begin. Looks like you are doing nothing but suddenly you get it. Your brain starts to clear and you starts feeling really great. It’s a kinda hard feeling to describe but it is so unexpected that usually the first time you feel that’s enough to make you start thinking again and ruin the exercise. What do you gain? Focus. Samurais did it not to relax but to be better in their fights. More precise. Clear mind. After a lot of crap in a bad day it’s the only think that can put your mind at ease. Control. You start getting better control of your mind when in stress and that can be really healthy. I did my part. Now try to do it!

Do you guys ever felt a little afraid of going to sleep?? I think i do but not in a racional sense. Deep in my mind. These days i’m sleeping pretty well but that’s because of Xanax and some meditation just before bed. I really sleep well now but during most of my life i didn’t. I really didn’t. I’m talking about almost 40 years of going to sleep at four in the morning. I always felt great about it firstly because i love to live at night. Alone with not phone and emails or other kinds of distraction it’s the time of the day that i can produce better especially when creativity is needed. Secondly because i’m always feeling like i’m loosing something that is happening and i can sleep al lot after i pass away. But sometimes in notice just a tiny note behind all this ideas that says i don’t want to go to sleep and i’m afraid of it. Like if i fall in sleep i may not wake up again. I know it’s a kinda crazy idea because i already slept and woken up thousands of times in my entire life and i never died but still there’s something weird there. Maybe is chemical and maybe it’s psychological i really don’t know. What i know is we don’t control our dreams and we don’t remember many of them. Maybe there’s something about them. Maybe we have real problems in being alone and we can only dream alone. I’m not sure why but something took off my sleep since i was i little child. My father used to find me at three in the morning sitting on the top of the wall in the house we used to live. I was just looking at the few cars that would pass by. I was just trying not to sleep.