Archives for posts with tag: smoke

When i was a kid i used to spend sometime with my grandparents. My parents used to travel abroad and they would leave us with them. I loved my grandma’s food and my grandpa’s sense of humor. There are things i never forgot like the fact my grandma used to smoke her last cigarette of the night with the lights already out. I would be sleeping on a matress close to her bed and my grandpa didn’t sleep in that room at the time. He snored too much or that’s what she used to say. I remember the red glow and the sound of burning paper. In this particular weekend my parents left me and my only sister there before a trip to Europe. They told us we would have to spend the weekend with a made because grandma and grandpa were in a farm until sunday. I remember like it was yesterday that i didn’t want to sleep in the bedroom without them in the house. I was scared so i slept on the couch at the living room. I was really early in the morning when my grandfather woke me up with his usual old italian man saying: “Wake up and spit”. I’m not sure if it makes sense to any of you. I probably turned to the other side and kept sleeping. I had just enough time to see him walking away with his beret and his clothes. I woke up with the sound of someone crying: It was my mother’s sister. She came close to me and said my grandfather was not coming back. I said she was wrong because he already arrived. I told her i saw him that morning. I remember her face when she got mad at me saying that i was lying. Saying that he died that morning on the farm. I got choked and confused and really scared at that time. Today i get happy to remember that. I’m not sure if it was a dream but if that was the case it was a big coincidence. I’m telling this story which i named “Ghosts” because that’s the only event i recall where something different happened in my life. Something i could think it has to do with spirits. I was never scared of ghosts and things like that and i think this story helped me a lot. I like to believe there are other forms of continuity after death. It would be really sad to live all we live to just to fade and loose it all forever.

I was never the popular kid. I did have friends and can’t complain about it. My friends were the outcasts and i loved it but always there was a kind of worry. What did the popular boys and girls thought about us? About me? I just hate the fact that i need acceptance but i do. At least some. Today much much less. I need probably just to be accepted by those i selected to be on my side. Those times in other hand i really needed approval. I really got hurt if someone didn’t like me and as i know today not everybody does like me. That’s probably one of the most valuable lessons i ever learned and it was really hard to learn it. Nobody is obligated to like you and you are not obligated to like anybody. It’s just like that. It’s not a bad thing if someone don’t enjoy you. Of course you can’t fight the world but you also can’t please everybody and that’s what this lesson i learned is about. Don’t dress for others. Don’t drink for others. Don’t smoke for others. Don’t take drugs for others. People come and go and those who like you the way you are will stick there and those who doesn’t should be able to learn that as soon as possible and move on. Trying to change someone’s opinion about yourself is not very productive. Either you end up changing yourself to satisfy other’s tastes and needs or they will end up leaving you anyway. So i’m glad i was an outcast and i’m glad i don’t care for being popular anymore. I’m very honest when i comes to exchange. I do a lot of things for other people but i always know what and if i’m getting something in return. And who doesn’t like it the way it is can always move on.