Archives for posts with tag: death

When i was a kid i used to spend sometime with my grandparents. My parents used to travel abroad and they would leave us with them. I loved my grandma’s food and my grandpa’s sense of humor. There are things i never forgot like the fact my grandma used to smoke her last cigarette of the night with the lights already out. I would be sleeping on a matress close to her bed and my grandpa didn’t sleep in that room at the time. He snored too much or that’s what she used to say. I remember the red glow and the sound of burning paper. In this particular weekend my parents left me and my only sister there before a trip to Europe. They told us we would have to spend the weekend with a made because grandma and grandpa were in a farm until sunday. I remember like it was yesterday that i didn’t want to sleep in the bedroom without them in the house. I was scared so i slept on the couch at the living room. I was really early in the morning when my grandfather woke me up with his usual old italian man saying: “Wake up and spit”. I’m not sure if it makes sense to any of you. I probably turned to the other side and kept sleeping. I had just enough time to see him walking away with his beret and his clothes. I woke up with the sound of someone crying: It was my mother’s sister. She came close to me and said my grandfather was not coming back. I said she was wrong because he already arrived. I told her i saw him that morning. I remember her face when she got mad at me saying that i was lying. Saying that he died that morning on the farm. I got choked and confused and really scared at that time. Today i get happy to remember that. I’m not sure if it was a dream but if that was the case it was a big coincidence. I’m telling this story which i named “Ghosts” because that’s the only event i recall where something different happened in my life. Something i could think it has to do with spirits. I was never scared of ghosts and things like that and i think this story helped me a lot. I like to believe there are other forms of continuity after death. It would be really sad to live all we live to just to fade and loose it all forever.

My mom used to say: “In the end everything will be allright. If it’s not allright it’s because it’s not the end.” I always believed in this saying and it always worked out for me. I guess that’s because there’s no way to be wrong about it. I can take a while but everything gets resolved for the better or worst. If it is for the worst time heals all the wounds and even if you die in the process that will be the end of it therefore you will have closure. You will have an ending. So the point is that things are not supposed to be great. If they are already great they are ready to fade. Things are supposed to be shaped by problems and solutions. We mold situations to our better understanding. We fix the world everyday and we also ruin it everyday. That’s because we mold it to our needs and we are not all the same. So when is allright for us it may be really bad for others. This dynamics contructs history and they are so important to our culture that we should pay more attention. Some people are never allright and they use too much in the process of getting what they want. So they make many miserable in order to evolve. That’s why is so hard to find a happy ending for people with no food or no shelter. For those only death will make it allright. How to solve this? I have no answer because to make it allright for them someone will have to be less righ and i guess that will not be allright for them.

I work a lot. No surprise because everyone works a lot. I make money but i spend money. As my father says: “from the hand to the mouth” . No savings yet. No big plans. Maybe some spare money and surely the apartment i live in but nothing else in case i ever need it. I’m forty and the main reason i’m like this is because i never felt the need to save money. I don’t have kids and i hate banks. So i spend. Yesterday i received a call about a friend. An old friend. The first guy who ever gave me work in the field i work now. Advertising. The call communicated his death and it shocked me. Not because it was not expected. He was seventy eight years old. The shock was because i still hoped for him to have a happy ending. He was the father of four kids and he had them already older as it will happen eventually to me. It always bothered me that he didn’t have any spare money. I asked in several situations why he didn’t stopped working since he got a heart condition and he told me he couldn’t afford it. I was probably hoping for his kids to get rich and help him or something but i guess that never happened. At least in time. So he died working. He worked till death. I guess i should think about saving. I guess sometimes things can get not as good as you expected. I guess not everything is the way it’s supposed to be so i’ll save it for a rainy day and be sorrow for today.