Some auteurs don’t show up to receive awards. Others use to say out loud that it’s not really a big deal. I always thought that was a big bullshit but then it happened to me. I was lucky enough to receive some awards for works i have done. When you do that you have to go to places and receive these trophies and pose to pictures with the prize in your hands. Photographers saying that you have to smile and look at them for more than you would like. There are snacks and drinks and PRs trying to sell you to other jobs using the award as a bait. People claps and you wait for the claps so you don’t look like a total failure. You shake hands with a lot of people you don’t know and engage with impossibly long “elevator” chats with topics as weather and modern daily life. The thing about awards is that they are not made for people like me. There is no situation as stupid as this of you on a stage with people clapping around you. There’s no place to hide your face and you have to smile. In a rock concert i understand the stage and the clapping perfectly well. There’s a connection between the audience expecting a show and cheering on a performance that is happening right there. The artist which is a performer works with the audience to achieve an energy exchange. A completely different thing is to be on the spot for something you already did with no entertaining meaning to your showing. To me the award was the result of the work which in the case was a TV spot. It really feels like you told a joke on january and people got the joke on august. Other thing about awards is that they tell you what you did is good and that’s something you can’t believe because when you believe you are good enough you start to decline. Work is the only reward that i believe in and the result of the work is already there when you finish it. Awards are results of people who like to be awarded and to be in those shoes is to understand how foolish are those people. Narsissus.

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